I'm between a rock and a hard place. Some part of me thinks I should probably have professional help with this one, but I still don't want it. I don't trust doctors in general since my mom's death, and I don't want diagnosis on my permanent record. So until it's literally life-threatening, I'm not going that way.
That is why this blog has always been a pirate journal. And it is why I'm "lost at sea."
I'm alone in this predicament. Miles from help. Just trying to make it work myself and not be lost forever.
My Predicament - PMDD vs EDNOS
I've had Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder for at least 10 years now that I know of. It's a nasty bitch. I explain it as being mega-mutant PMS on steroids. Symptoms are any combination of crazy shit ranging from physical to mental to emotional. It alters your perception of reality as well as how you are naturally inclined to react to it. You can look up the actual definitions, but I can tell you, it can make you straight up psychotic. If you can't participate in the common reality, you're text book crazy, and PMDD alters interactions enough that it really is way off the reality mark. No matter how happy you are, how good your life might be, or how hard you've worked to do well, PMDD knocks you right out of it 2 of 4 weeks every month. And that's if things are GOOD. When things in life are bad, you're all kinds of upside down because you don't know how much of the bad is real, or how much is the PMDD. In one sentence, "It's fucked."
Enter the confusion.
PMDD sets me on some terrible binges. I've gained weight as it's gotten worse. I'm responding for the second time with calorie restriction. The other side of my Ed flares up. I restrict, and when I don't, I've slid into purging a few times. I can turn a blind eye to the binging and just get obese... but I don't want to die that way. So I set my resolve to the proana attitude. Starve. Exercise. Control. ...all the things I am not naturally. I lose some weight, but something even more interesting happens. If I fast right after ovulation in my cycle, I don't get PMDD. If I restrict to 500 cal or less with some 0 cal days from the end of ovulation to the beginning of my period, I stay sane. No social illusions, no paranoia, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or depression. I'm my happy, logical, balanced self all month long...
A happy, logical, balanced self starving half of every month for the last two months, but at least I'm ME. The PMDD isn't me and never has been. I hate it more than anything.
PMDD isn't my only affliction though. I've had an eating disorder all my life. PMDD only amplified it a bit. I've had BED since a child. My insides are permanently damaged. I never feel hungry or full.
So to stay out of the seventh circle of PMDD hell, I have to not only recover fully from BED, but I literally have to take the proana approach of willful starvation 2-4 weeks per month. Right now I'm pretty much doing a reverse 5:2 fasting diet. I have 500 cals or less 5 days a week and get up around 1000 - 1500 cals 2 days a week.
I could only do it 2 weeks each month, but my BED is still out of control if I get near food too often. I hate being the pendulum swinging toward another kind of disaster. I agree with my Ana recovery friends. You don't want that shit. And in my opinion, Mia is even worse.
So you can see why this is scary. I'm juggling PMDD, BED, and EDNOS combo crisis. And I can't stress that PMDD is a mental/emotional prison I can't go back to.
The thing that really worries me, even though I think I'm far from danger (still 50+ lbs overweight), is that this isn't temporary. It has to be a permanent lifestyle. I've starved before. I've had Ana/Mia attacks in the past, but I always ran away from it if it ever was becoming too addictive. Now it's like I have to commit. It's spooky. I'll do my best not to spiral. I don't have body dysmorphic disorder, so maybe I'll be ok? But I already really do love starving... the light-headed buzz, the empty feeling. I hate Mia, but I'm afraid of ending up with Ana on my back for real. Still, there's no place for me to go but forwards.
Still missing my girls. Wish I had some support out here on the high seas of PMDD and EDs. My loves to help each other drop weight and fast, but also to not lose ourselves along with the pounds.
Sailing the sea of eating disorder insanity. Dancing on the razor edge between BED and ANA. Running scared from MIA. Undiagnosed EDNOS. Winning the PMDD war.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
A Disorder by Any Other Name
Ana, Mia, Ed, and Ben. Deb, Sue, and Cat. Would they be the same roses by any other name? Or does giving them an identity give tragic disorders far more respect than they deserve?
One of my Tweeples posted a very wise observation on personification of eating disorders on her blog A Mirror That Doesn't Matter.
I strongly recommend reading the rest. It is her opinion, but regardless of everyone's different views, it is a very interesting perspective and worth considering.
These days the nicknames for disorders are often used to romance the illness. When the names began it was different. Back in ancient times, we used the names to hide what we were talking about. They began as code so those in the know could speak openly without others knowing or judging what they were talking about. Kinda like girls discussing the latest visit from Aunt Flo. But it has changed a lot. Are the names a way of expressing what is already going on, or are they a way of glorifying something dangerous? Comment what you think in the "messages in bottles" below.
For any new to this world, here is the key to Eating Disorder Nicknames and a few others:
: Ana :
Anorexia Nervosa: The cause. Not to be confused with the symptom of anorexia. Often used by diagnosed anorexics or the ProAna community of also anorexics and many wannarexics. Ana represents starvation, control, "quod me nutrit, me destruit" - what nourishes me destroys me (latin), extreme deprivation, and so much more... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_nervosa
: Ben/Betty :
Binge Eating Neurotic Disorder: aka BEND (or being on a BENDer), officially BED (Binge Eating Disorder). This is like bullemia without the puke. If anorexia is to starve yourself to disaster or death, binge benders are for eating yourself to death. The United States is known for having a ProBen culture in general, consuming to compensate for other issues, causing obesity, hording, etc. Sometimes for gratification, sometimes as a weapon of self harm... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binge_eating_disorder
: Mia :
Bullemia Nervosa: The act of eating then purging, rinse, repeat. Often built on Ben, Mia takes things a step further with ridding yourself of the binge at great cost to your health, often creating the symptom of anorexia without the control of anorexia nervosa. There is also a ProMia community, often overlapping with the ProAna world, but not always... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullemia
: Ed/Edna :
Eating Disorder: Often refers to all eating disorders in general or to EDNOS in particular. This can mean any combination of the above personas and tends to be varied person to person. As each disorder has differences person to person, so does Ed... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EDNOS
Disclaimer - I've had eating disorders my whole life, but I'm not officially diagnosed and those are my largest problems. I am a PMDD sufferer which has dipped me into severe depression and occasional suicidal proximity, but when I'm not hormonally imbalanced, I do not feel those things. I have never participated in communities related to the following disorders, so I don't know them as well. No judgments. I have nothing but love for everyone. I admittedly avoid these things for a variety of reasons. Mainly because the death toll in my life due to suicide and depression is very high and I have a hard time being constructive with living people heading that way. I blame myself. I have limits, and that's one of them. I'll keep these definitions shorter.
: Deb :
Depression: Who doesn't know this one? Most of us related to any of the above categories experience depression. This one should speak for itself. Often associated with clinical depression, bipolar disorder, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)...and more... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_(mood)
: Sue :
Suicidal Tendencies: This can be deep contemplation of ending your own life, attempts to kill yourself, true cries for help, attention whore cries for help, or just attention whoring. The spectrum makes it a very delicate subject and not one to take lightly. As a PMDD sufferer, I can say that the chemical imbalance can make even a generally happy person contemplate suicide, and I've been there many times. I can also offer that of the 10+ people I've lost in my life to suicide, NONE of them indicated very openly that they might do it. And thankfully all of those close to me who expressed interest never went through with it. I'm going to stop talking about it now though because that is where my constructive observations end. Too painful. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_crisis
: Cat :
Cutting: Self harm by cutting. This is a large community and affects a lot of people. It is deliberate self harm and is associated with more disorders than I know of... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self_harm
There are a lot more too...
Perry : Paranoia
Addie : ADD
Olive : OCD
Sophie : Schitzophrenia
Nia/Izzy : Insomnia
Some people have different names for the same, but these are the ones I see around the most.
One of my Tweeples posted a very wise observation on personification of eating disorders on her blog A Mirror That Doesn't Matter.
"Eating disorders are not their own entity. They don't have souls or personalities. But rather, they steal yours. They take your essence and change it from the inside-out."
These days the nicknames for disorders are often used to romance the illness. When the names began it was different. Back in ancient times, we used the names to hide what we were talking about. They began as code so those in the know could speak openly without others knowing or judging what they were talking about. Kinda like girls discussing the latest visit from Aunt Flo. But it has changed a lot. Are the names a way of expressing what is already going on, or are they a way of glorifying something dangerous? Comment what you think in the "messages in bottles" below.
For any new to this world, here is the key to Eating Disorder Nicknames and a few others:
: Ana :
Anorexia Nervosa: The cause. Not to be confused with the symptom of anorexia. Often used by diagnosed anorexics or the ProAna community of also anorexics and many wannarexics. Ana represents starvation, control, "quod me nutrit, me destruit" - what nourishes me destroys me (latin), extreme deprivation, and so much more... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_nervosa
: Ben/Betty :
Binge Eating Neurotic Disorder: aka BEND (or being on a BENDer), officially BED (Binge Eating Disorder). This is like bullemia without the puke. If anorexia is to starve yourself to disaster or death, binge benders are for eating yourself to death. The United States is known for having a ProBen culture in general, consuming to compensate for other issues, causing obesity, hording, etc. Sometimes for gratification, sometimes as a weapon of self harm... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binge_eating_disorder
: Mia :
Bullemia Nervosa: The act of eating then purging, rinse, repeat. Often built on Ben, Mia takes things a step further with ridding yourself of the binge at great cost to your health, often creating the symptom of anorexia without the control of anorexia nervosa. There is also a ProMia community, often overlapping with the ProAna world, but not always... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullemia
: Ed/Edna :
Eating Disorder: Often refers to all eating disorders in general or to EDNOS in particular. This can mean any combination of the above personas and tends to be varied person to person. As each disorder has differences person to person, so does Ed... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EDNOS
Disclaimer - I've had eating disorders my whole life, but I'm not officially diagnosed and those are my largest problems. I am a PMDD sufferer which has dipped me into severe depression and occasional suicidal proximity, but when I'm not hormonally imbalanced, I do not feel those things. I have never participated in communities related to the following disorders, so I don't know them as well. No judgments. I have nothing but love for everyone. I admittedly avoid these things for a variety of reasons. Mainly because the death toll in my life due to suicide and depression is very high and I have a hard time being constructive with living people heading that way. I blame myself. I have limits, and that's one of them. I'll keep these definitions shorter.
: Deb :
Depression: Who doesn't know this one? Most of us related to any of the above categories experience depression. This one should speak for itself. Often associated with clinical depression, bipolar disorder, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)...and more... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_(mood)
: Sue :
Suicidal Tendencies: This can be deep contemplation of ending your own life, attempts to kill yourself, true cries for help, attention whore cries for help, or just attention whoring. The spectrum makes it a very delicate subject and not one to take lightly. As a PMDD sufferer, I can say that the chemical imbalance can make even a generally happy person contemplate suicide, and I've been there many times. I can also offer that of the 10+ people I've lost in my life to suicide, NONE of them indicated very openly that they might do it. And thankfully all of those close to me who expressed interest never went through with it. I'm going to stop talking about it now though because that is where my constructive observations end. Too painful. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_crisis
: Cat :
Cutting: Self harm by cutting. This is a large community and affects a lot of people. It is deliberate self harm and is associated with more disorders than I know of... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self_harm
There are a lot more too...
Perry : Paranoia
Addie : ADD
Olive : OCD
Sophie : Schitzophrenia
Nia/Izzy : Insomnia
Some people have different names for the same, but these are the ones I see around the most.
On This Day in 2010 - Yesterday
To not repeat our history, we have to know our history.
http://bananamosity.blogspot.com/2010/06/thinspo-in-boyfriend-pant.html
http://bananamosity.blogspot.com/2010/06/thinspo-in-boyfriend-pant.html
"
I'm still here. But I'm disappearing pound by pound... every week. It is working. I will be skinny. I will be sexy. When I get there I may decide to become a nudist because I look so incredible. I should either be nude or wear only the most amazing clothes.
"
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Back So Soon?
Yes, I am. I'll admit it. I kinda hate Twitter. No one answers my questions. Maybe it's because I've had to start back at square one. I just miss having friends and support for fasting and losing. On Twitter there is literally 1 of like 200 people who actually responds to my tweets. Everyone else only does if I message them directly. I feel tolerated, not loved or supported. This is bullshit.
Ana world, where did the love go? Persecution for Proana seems to have gotten everyone tight-lipped and judgy. And somehow, following people who a few friends follow has gotten me a bunch of Ana girls in recovery. They are sweet and wonderful and I love them, but they're in RECOVERY. It makes me feel guilty about everything I post. I don't want to unfriend them, but I don't want to be triggering. And since they're in recovery they kinda need to be anti-Proana. Which with my EDNOS just isn't where I'm at. I'm dealing with BED and it's got me at a place where I feel I need to starve. I can't be fat anymore, and I won't repeat this bullshit again. Am I wannarexic? NO. I'm not. And I'm not "Pro" anything that hurts someone or puts their life in danger. But my eating is hurting me and putting my life in danger. Fuck!
I'm sorry to rant but this is all really stressing me out.
Dealing with this shit is hard enough without the judgement worries. I came here (blogger/tumblr/twitter) to create SAFE accounts where I can help support myself through this.
I DO NOT FEEL SUPPORTED IN THE LEAST.
It's even making me paranoid. So I know people, have accounts, and somehow am still all alone. And it's fucking hard! I need this fat off me. I cannot compromise. I'm a binge eater, and if Ana doesn't work for me, as usual Mia is singing her siren song. I do NOT want to go that direction, but I've been so close so many times, and closer every day. I'm really struggling here and no one knows, understands, or gives a fuck... at least no one I talk to at all. I know many of you are out there who do get it... but I don't know you right now. Please drop me a tweet any time. @aprilatsea
Goes straight to my phone, and I'm on it constantly.
Anyway, no, I'm not a happy pirate in this sea of life right now.
But one thing I am and must be is constructive.
Next step is to try joining ProAna message boards and see if I can find people that way. I've never actually done that, but last time around I didn't need to. But last time around Blogger was actually ALIVE and not the dead shit it is now.
Meh. <--- That about sums it up.
All that said, I had about 3 oz of meat and 6 shrimps last night for dinner and was stuffed. All I had other than that yesterday was a huge cup of coffee. Less than 500 cals 4 or 5 days a week, and I'm maintaining that. It's like the 5:2 diet but in reverse. lol :D Anyway... Pressing onward...
Hugs and hearts to the other lonely souls who may be reading this.
I might be struggling, but know I'm always here for you.
<3
Ana world, where did the love go? Persecution for Proana seems to have gotten everyone tight-lipped and judgy. And somehow, following people who a few friends follow has gotten me a bunch of Ana girls in recovery. They are sweet and wonderful and I love them, but they're in RECOVERY. It makes me feel guilty about everything I post. I don't want to unfriend them, but I don't want to be triggering. And since they're in recovery they kinda need to be anti-Proana. Which with my EDNOS just isn't where I'm at. I'm dealing with BED and it's got me at a place where I feel I need to starve. I can't be fat anymore, and I won't repeat this bullshit again. Am I wannarexic? NO. I'm not. And I'm not "Pro" anything that hurts someone or puts their life in danger. But my eating is hurting me and putting my life in danger. Fuck!
I'm sorry to rant but this is all really stressing me out.
Dealing with this shit is hard enough without the judgement worries. I came here (blogger/tumblr/twitter) to create SAFE accounts where I can help support myself through this.
I DO NOT FEEL SUPPORTED IN THE LEAST.
It's even making me paranoid. So I know people, have accounts, and somehow am still all alone. And it's fucking hard! I need this fat off me. I cannot compromise. I'm a binge eater, and if Ana doesn't work for me, as usual Mia is singing her siren song. I do NOT want to go that direction, but I've been so close so many times, and closer every day. I'm really struggling here and no one knows, understands, or gives a fuck... at least no one I talk to at all. I know many of you are out there who do get it... but I don't know you right now. Please drop me a tweet any time. @aprilatsea
Goes straight to my phone, and I'm on it constantly.
Anyway, no, I'm not a happy pirate in this sea of life right now.
But one thing I am and must be is constructive.
Next step is to try joining ProAna message boards and see if I can find people that way. I've never actually done that, but last time around I didn't need to. But last time around Blogger was actually ALIVE and not the dead shit it is now.
Meh. <--- That about sums it up.
All that said, I had about 3 oz of meat and 6 shrimps last night for dinner and was stuffed. All I had other than that yesterday was a huge cup of coffee. Less than 500 cals 4 or 5 days a week, and I'm maintaining that. It's like the 5:2 diet but in reverse. lol :D Anyway... Pressing onward...
Hugs and hearts to the other lonely souls who may be reading this.
I might be struggling, but know I'm always here for you.
<3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)