Back So Soon?

Yes, I am. I'll admit it. I kinda hate Twitter. No one answers my questions. Maybe it's because I've had to start back at square one. I just miss having friends and support for fasting and losing. On Twitter there is literally 1 of like 200 people who actually responds to my tweets. Everyone else only does if I message them directly. I feel tolerated, not loved or supported. This is bullshit.

Ana world, where did the love go? Persecution for Proana seems to have gotten everyone tight-lipped and judgy. And somehow, following people who a few friends follow has gotten me a bunch of Ana girls in recovery. They are sweet and wonderful and I love them, but they're in RECOVERY. It makes me feel guilty about everything I post. I don't want to unfriend them, but I don't want to be triggering. And since they're in recovery they kinda need to be anti-Proana. Which with my EDNOS just isn't where I'm at. I'm dealing with BED and it's got me at a place where I feel I need to starve. I can't be fat anymore, and I won't repeat this bullshit again. Am I wannarexic? NO. I'm not. And I'm not "Pro" anything that hurts someone or puts their life in danger. But my eating is hurting me and putting my life in danger. Fuck!

I'm sorry to rant but this is all really stressing me out.

Dealing with this shit is hard enough without the judgement worries. I came here (blogger/tumblr/twitter) to create SAFE accounts where I can help support myself through this.

I DO NOT FEEL SUPPORTED IN THE LEAST.

It's even making me paranoid. So I know people, have accounts, and somehow am still all alone. And it's fucking hard! I need this fat off me. I cannot compromise. I'm a binge eater, and if Ana doesn't work for me, as usual Mia is singing her siren song. I do NOT want to go that direction, but I've been so close so many times, and closer every day. I'm really struggling here and no one knows, understands, or gives a fuck... at least no one I talk to at all. I know many of you are out there who do get it... but I don't know you right now. Please drop me a tweet any time. @aprilatsea 
Goes straight to my phone, and I'm on it constantly.

Anyway, no, I'm not a happy pirate in this sea of life right now.

But one thing I am and must be is constructive.

Next step is to try joining ProAna message boards and see if I can find people that way. I've never actually done that, but last time around I didn't need to. But last time around Blogger was actually ALIVE and not the dead shit it is now.

Meh. <--- That about sums it up.


All that said, I had about 3 oz of meat and 6 shrimps last night for dinner and was stuffed. All I had other than that yesterday was a huge cup of coffee. Less than 500 cals 4 or 5 days a week, and I'm maintaining that. It's like the 5:2 diet but in reverse. lol :D Anyway... Pressing onward...


Hugs and hearts to the other lonely souls who may be reading this.
I might be struggling, but know I'm always here for you.
<3