My Struggle: PMDD vs EDNOS Round 2

I'm between a rock and a hard place. Some part of me thinks I should probably have professional help with this one, but I still don't want it. I don't trust doctors in general since my mom's death, and I don't want diagnosis on my permanent record. So until it's literally life-threatening, I'm not going that way.

That is why this blog has always been a pirate journal. And it is why I'm "lost at sea."

I'm alone in this predicament. Miles from help. Just trying to make it work myself and not be lost forever.

My Predicament - PMDD vs EDNOS

I've had Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder for at least 10 years now that I know of. It's a nasty bitch. I explain it as being mega-mutant PMS on steroids. Symptoms are any combination of crazy shit ranging from physical to mental to emotional. It alters your perception of reality as well as how you are naturally inclined to react to it. You can look up the actual definitions, but I can tell you, it can make you straight up psychotic. If you can't participate in the common reality, you're text book crazy, and PMDD alters interactions enough that it really is way off the reality mark. No matter how happy you are, how good your life might be, or how hard you've worked to do well, PMDD knocks you right out of it 2 of 4 weeks every month. And that's if things are GOOD. When things in life are bad, you're all kinds of upside down because you don't know how much of the bad is real, or how much is the PMDD. In one sentence, "It's fucked."

Enter the confusion.

PMDD sets me on some terrible binges. I've gained weight as it's gotten worse. I'm responding for the second time with calorie restriction. The other side of my Ed flares up. I restrict, and when I don't, I've slid into purging a few times. I can turn a blind eye to the binging and just get obese... but I don't want to die that way. So I set my resolve to the proana attitude. Starve. Exercise. Control. ...all the things I am not naturally. I lose some weight, but something even more interesting happens. If I fast right after ovulation in my cycle, I don't get PMDD. If I restrict to 500 cal or less with some 0 cal days from the end of ovulation to the beginning of my period, I stay sane. No social illusions, no paranoia, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or depression. I'm my happy, logical, balanced self all month long...

A happy, logical, balanced self starving half of every month for the last two months, but at least I'm ME. The PMDD isn't me and never has been. I hate it more than anything.

PMDD isn't my only affliction though. I've had an eating disorder all my life. PMDD only amplified it a bit. I've had BED since a child. My insides are permanently damaged. I never feel hungry or full.

So to stay out of the seventh circle of PMDD hell, I have to not only recover fully from BED, but I literally have to take the proana approach of willful starvation 2-4 weeks per month. Right now I'm pretty much doing a reverse 5:2 fasting diet. I have 500 cals or less 5 days a week and get up around 1000 - 1500 cals 2 days a week.

I could only do it 2 weeks each month, but my BED is still out of control if I get near food too often. I hate being the pendulum swinging toward another kind of disaster. I agree with my Ana recovery friends. You don't want that shit. And in my opinion, Mia is even worse.

So you can see why this is scary. I'm juggling PMDD, BED, and EDNOS combo crisis. And I can't stress that PMDD is a mental/emotional prison I can't go back to.

The thing that really worries me, even though I think I'm far from danger (still 50+ lbs overweight), is that this isn't temporary. It has to be a permanent lifestyle. I've starved before. I've had Ana/Mia attacks in the past, but I always ran away from it if it ever was becoming too addictive. Now it's like I have to commit. It's spooky. I'll do my best not to spiral. I don't have body dysmorphic disorder, so maybe I'll be ok? But I already really do love starving... the light-headed buzz, the empty feeling. I hate Mia, but I'm afraid of ending up with Ana on my back for real. Still, there's no place for me to go but forwards.

Still missing my girls. Wish I had some support out here on the high seas of PMDD and EDs. My loves to help each other drop weight and fast, but also to not lose ourselves along with the pounds.